I’m not an easy flyer. The smaller the plane, the more agitated I become. Let me clarify though that I do not fear flying. It’s the helplessness over a constricted space for a duration of time that triggers my anxiety. That’s why I never attend concerts or go to packed noisy bars. I would take the stairs instead of the elevator all the time if I could.
I’m not sure if anxiety and panic attacks are the same for all but in my case, it usually starts with a physical and inexplicable sensation of dread combined with a feeling of being underwater then it’s just downhill from there. What compounds the situation, more often than not, is my anticipation that comes with the feeling of dread because I feel I know what’s gonna happen next. Suddenly, everything seems way too loud and I feel like throwing up, and I just want people to shut up and stop talking. It feels cramped and crowded suddenly and I feel suffocated that I need air, a fresh breeze and open space. The sensation oddly seems to start at my knees. That the invisible fear manifests itself so tangibly in such a physical and consistently specific manner is one I still have to wrap my head around.
When I panic, I become hyper-sensitive to the world around me. Inside a plane, everything becomes more than it really is and there are things that suddenly I obsess about: my seat feels too small. the chair in front of me and the passenger across the aisle are too close (though I’m certain they truly are at this day and age), there’s not enough ventilation, the plane feels stuffy and hot and the flight feels excruciatingly long (they truly are if you’re flying without sleep for almost 24 hours from SG to NYC) and on top of that I feel the plane’s every single movement, bump and shudder and it always feels magnified a thousand times stronger and louder in my head.
Eventually, the panic affects my breathing to the point of dizziness that I feel I’m perpetually falling even if I was sitting down. In the past, I’ve passed out and fainted to the ground several times, thankfully with a friend present (one of those times was triggered by an empty stomach and lightheadedness so that doesn’t really count). Over the years, it has thankfully fizzled out due to a lot of self-awareness and the ability to mitigate circumstances but it has not been eradicated completely and I could only wish it did.
This is something I need to manage because I do need to get to different points that require flying, whether for personal reasons or work. In the past, I always drank in the plane. They say you shouldn’t due to dehydration but it’s what helps knock me out to sleep. I don’t take sleeping medication so I’m even more apprehensive to take that 30,000 feet in the air especially when traveling alone.
Last Christmas, I asked myself if there was a way I could divert my attention during the flight to curb my sensitivity to my surrounding. To be honest, the idea came to me during the height of the fidget-spinner craze. I decided to try something different and I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I decided to draw.
It was my first time to shift my entire concentration elsewhere and with deliberate razor-sharp focus during a flight. In the past, the only thought running through my head the entire trip was “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”. So I gave myself a tangible goal, which was to complete one sketchbook spread per flight, no excuses. It was a 3.5 hour ride, so it can be definitely be done.
And guess what, it worked like a charm! I managed to finish both spreads 30 minutes before landing.
Some people tell me to just watch the in-flight entertainment. I am terribly far-sighted that a screen in front of me in a moving plane at such close proximity is just counter-intuitive. And watching a movie to me is still tantamount to doing nothing. Why not sleep, they ask. Because I can’t and it’s just one of those things.
I usually have at least three full glasses of wine per flight. This time, I had only one on the first flight, and none on the second. I was so obsessive about my task and achieving a goal that instead of fearing turbulence, I became angry at it because it gave me crooked lines. Considering it was a bumpy ride, I didn’t notice it at all until the flight attendant said we were flying through a storm.
It was, without a doubt, definitely a super achievement-unlocked moment that I felt like banging my head against the wall asking myself why I didn’t think of doing this sooner. I typically keep a sketchbook inside my check-in baggage as a back-up activity in case I get bored when I get to my destination but it never occurred to me to do it mid-flight instead.
This great inconvenience is one of the things about myself I wish I can undo but for now all I can do is manage how I think and mitigate my surroundings. Otherwise, it was definitely a first for me to be almost relaxed end to end. And if you are someone familiar with my situation, you would sincerely understand that this was no mean feat.
Okay then. Onto the next goal: what to draw for a 20-hour flight.