Some days are succulent, others a bit parched.
Today I feel the full pang of uncertainty. And I absolutely hate it.
I am not a fan of being wishy-washy: in others and especially with myself. It just hit me out of the blue. The one thing about the creative journey I detest is its unpredictable nature.
I like plans. I like making lists. And I like crossing things out one by one. But sometimes, things don’t go according to plan. My plan.
Sometimes I think of so many things that I need to do that it actually tires me out. People think I’m especially hard on myself. And it’s true. I wish I could change that as well.
I’m the type of person who thinks in black and white. Grey areas I find rather annoying. But I guess life really is one massive grey patch in this entire universe. I always thought I had a PhD in dealing with uncertainty but that doesn’t mean it gets easier each time. It just reminds me this isn’t the first time I’ve had to deal with it.
Part of me feels like I’m running on empty, part of me feels like swimming against a riptide. They say to swim against it will only prove fatal.
To survive is to stop moving.
Experienced divers told me the only way out of an undertow is to stop flailing, allow your body to relax and float, and then swim parallel to shore instead of fighting to rush towards it.
And the most important thing: don’t panic.
So this is what I’m doing now:
- I’ve finished my 3rd novel, including the last installation of Harry Potter (which is captivating by the way!).
- I’m now on my third art book today.
- I stare out the window and into the sea a bit longer than usual. If it’s not so humid, I might even decide to walk there for a change.
- I am going through other pilates exercises I haven’t done in a long time.
- I just had lots of ice cream with a friend who came over today.
- I’ve started answering letters from blog and Instagram friends.
- I’ll write out some letters.
- I’m gonna take a nap. I don’t take naps.
- I will clean up my workspace.
- I will spiral out and won’t make art this entire week.
I am doing nothing.
A lot of nothing.
And I will swim back to shore.
***
I find your writing so refreshing. Being “a creative” is wonderful, I feel as though I have a special, rare gift. But it also can feel like a responsibility (I won’t go so far as to say burden but . . . ). Reading your words remind me that I am only human and sometimes things flow the way they flow. Thank you, Cherie!
It’s the unnecessary pressure from uncertainties that bog me down 🙁 Such an icky feeling.
Looking forward to seeing you back on shore! Don’t worry your towel is still on the beach.
Thanks for reminding me. I think I’ll also get a glass of sweet iced tea and a juicy hotdog bun when I get there! 🙂
I can relate. I’m a big list maker and planner But I also like to go with the flow and not follow the plans. I try to give into that bc it seems in line with creativity. It’s like two sides of myself are battling it out.
I can honestly say the struggle truly is real 🙂